Impossible: A Stephaim One Shot
by The Red One - Stevie Rae
Summary: THIS IS MY VERY FIRST ATTEMPT AT WRITING A FANFIC so please be gentle! This takes place during Burned, (spoiler alert!) at the Gilcrease after Rephaim finds Stevie Rae with Dallas. Rated M for a reason, so please only read if you're 16 or older. Rephaim's POV. Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


I sat in the corner of the room while she slept. She looked so peaceful. Sure I was uncomfortable underground, but I could not leave her. If something happened to her it would be my fault for leaving her alone and unguarded, and I would not be able to forgive myself.

How was she capable of doing this to me? I should not be able to feel the things I was feeling, should not be able to question myself. But here she was, making me uncertain as to what my involvement with her was.

A relationship between us was not possible. It was as clear as that. She was so beautiful, with her deep gold hair that bounced around her shoulders when she walked and her big blue eyes that could somehow see into my soul. Her small form seemed so fragile, and yet she was not weak, and the blood red Mark stood in stark contrast to the pale white of her skin. She was perfect, and I was…

What was it that I was feeling? Oh, how I yearned for her. But I wanted something that she could not give me. I could not ask her for that. But as she lie there sleeping, so vulnerable, I thought back all those years ago. To the feeling of soft flesh. The feeling of taking charge. The adrenaline coursing through my body as I…

No. I would not do that to her. I could not do that to her.

Pain. That was what I felt. Pain, that she would be so afraid of me that she was willing to hand herself over to another man. To _a_ man, which, I reminded myself, I was not. I should not blame her when her body was telling her to do the same things mine was. But there was something about seeing her poised to give herself over to someone else that made me stop her. With her, I no longer felt like the monster I knew I was. I felt, for the first time, that maybe I did have a choice, that I did not have to do bad things or hurt people. And then when she could not let herself be satisfied with me it ripped me apart, though I knew I was a fool to think it even remotely possible.

But now, looking at her, so innocent, so vulnerable, I imagined what it might be like. Taking hold of her pale, thin body and forcing myself onto her, feeling my body erupt as she writhed underneath me.

I forced myself to stop thinking about it as I noticed I was beginning to break a sweat. She was so close. I had to get out of there. I could never harm her. But I couldn't leave her. I should be protecting her from anyone who may wish to harm her, and yet who would be there to protect her from me? Those women all those years ago, shrieking in pain and terror…what did they think as I forced myself upon them? They undoubtedly saw a monster. That is how the Red One must think of me too. And I cannot harm her.

But it cannot do harm to watch her. Especially while she is sleeping. I can just move away before she awakens and she will never have to know. But will I be able to restrain myself if I allow myself to move in that close to her? I imagine myself wrapping my arms around the small of her back, pulling her onto me. She would try to fight me, but my strength would hold her. I would bring myself down into her and passion and adrenaline would take over, tearing her apart as she was left powerless, struggling against me. But I could be brave. Could I? Around her, I was free to choose my own fate. Was I not?

I could bear it no longer. I had to move closer. I crept slowly and silently to the opposite side of the room, where she lay, careful not to wake her. She could never know the things I was feeling while I was looking at her. It would only disgust and repulse her. She would no longer be able to bear being in my presence. I looked down at her. I had been able to stop her before things had gone too far with that boy earlier. But had she been touched before then? Or was she completely untainted? I felt a shudder coming through my body and worked to stifle it. I had to remain still, silent, for I was almost upon her.

She purred softly when she slept. If I had lips they would undoubtedly work into a smile. Whenever I was around her, I found myself wondering what that would feel like. I had never had such thoughts before I knew her, and now they pained me to the very core. I wanted her. All of her. She was sleeping so soundly. Perhaps if I just brushed my fingers across her body she would not notice?

I knew I should not be feeling such things, and yet as I looked down I found my arm already reaching to close the distance between us, reaching for the curve of her shoulder. I hesitated, terrified that I might wake her but aware that I had gone too far to stop myself. I could not go back. I grazed her shoulder with my fingertips. Although she was wearing a t-shirt and I did not make direct contact with her skin, I still felt a jolt of pleasure work through me when I touched her. Her shoulder was not enough. I allowed myself to caress her forearm where her skin was bare, ever so lightly so as not to wake her. She stirred, and I paused, silent, and waited for her to release again. She did, and a sigh of relief escaped through my beak. I had to be careful. She could not know the things I wanted to do to her. She would never want to see me again, and I could not bear to be without her.

I silently cursed myself for feeling these things. She could never see me that way. I was a creature of nightmares and she was…well, look at her!

I looked down at her, memorizing every detail of her body, every curve and feature of her perfect form as she lay so innocent, unknowing. When I could contain myself no longer, I reached toward her again, this time intending to brush a finger vertically down the curve of her breast. But just before I made contact, she stirred again and I froze.

I should have gotten out of there. I should never have gone so close but I just could not handle it. But instead I remained crouched there, staring at her like a fool as her eyes fluttered open and met mine.

"Hi," she murmured sleepily, her lips curved upward.

"Umm…I wanted to keep you safe." Goddess I sounded stupid.

"I see that." She pushed herself up so that she was almost sitting, leaning sideways onto one elbow. "Thank you." Her other hand reached up and I thought she was going to stroke my shoulder, but instead she was just mussing her hair. My whole body tensed as my mind screamed at me, reminding me what an idiot I was for thinking that she could actually care about me.

"No problem. I will not let anyone harm you, Red One."

"I thought we were on a first name basis," she smiled, her tone teasing.

"We are. I just…uhh…" how had I planned to finish that sentence? Oh, I was making such a fool of myself. She was still looking at me expectantly. I was still crouched beside her, but for whatever reason could not bring myself to get up and move away. _It's not hard,_ I told myself. _Just straighten your legs and walk back to the other side of the room, where you should have stayed to begin with._

Her voice startled me from my thoughts. "Can I ask you somethin'?" She was still looking at me sleepily, like she was only half awake. She did not wait for my answer before she continued. "What are you thinking about right now?"

My beak flew open but I was unable to make a sound. So I just sat stupidly and stared at her. That little voice in my head began to scream at me, _don't say the wrong thing or you'll scare her away. You know she doesn't want you. You're disgusting and perverted. Why would someone like her want something like that from someone like you?_ I wanted to scream at it to make it stop, but I still could not move. Embarrassment. That was the feeling. Embarrassment that she would find me so close to her, embarrassment that I could not find the words to answer her, knowing now that she must suspect.

"Rephaim?" She got to her knees and looked at me, right in my eyes. "Are you ok?"

"Yesssss." Oh, Goddess, not now! Come on, beak, form words! "I am fine." Be honest. "I was…" Jealous? Hurt? Worried? Worried. "worried about you earlier. I just wished no harm to come to you, so I stayed by you to protect you."

She looked sad. Had I done something wrong? "I'm sorry, Rephaim."

"Sssorry?" I choked. "For what?"

"With Dallas? I hadn't meant for anything to happen between him and I…everything just started movin' too fast. And I definitely didn't mean for you to find us. And if you thought you upset me when I saw you, you didn't." Tears began to well up in those big, round eyes of hers. "It just worried me 'cause now I'm afraid Dallas will tell the others about you and…well…they don't know you like I do and I don't want you to get hurt."

Well that was not what I was expecting. "Stevie Rae…" I managed. Honesty. "I do not know what to say."

"Will you hold me?"

Her voice ached for a closeness I recognized, and it seemed there was nothing else for me to do. I closed that small gap that remained between us, and leaned against the wall behind her. She moved her hips between my legs, and lay herself back against my chest, her cheek buried in the feathers at the base of my neck. I was worried that she would get close enough to me that she would realize what I had been thinking about, but I wrapped my arms around her anyway, breathing her in and trying to contain the joy I felt in having her so close to me. After an instant, I felt her whole body release, and just as quickly I felt her tremble in surprise. She was against me. I could feel myself pressed against the small of her back.

"I am sorry." I moved to get out from under her, but she remained where she was, turning her face upward to look at mine.

"Why?"

Neither of us spoke, and soon she buried her face again into my chest, and grabbed hold of my hand. Confused and immensely nervous, I gave over to her, knowing that as long as I didn't move of my own accord, she would be putting me where she wanted me.

I thought I could feel the warmth of her breast against my hand. But that was impossible. No, she would not do that, not on purpose. But she held me tighter to her, and yes, I was certain that that is what I was feeling as soon as I felt the slight pressure poking into the center of my palm as she hardened under my touch. She took a deep breath and relaxed even deeper into me.

"S-Stevie Rae?"

"Hmm?"

"Have you ever been touched in this way before?" Wow, that sounded formal. And completely disconnected. Like it didn't even matter to me. _Fix this._ "I mean, have you let anyone else…?"

"No. I'm still a virgin, if that's what you mean."

I took a deep breath and swallowed, trying to contain the adrenaline I felt coursing through every inch of my body. Making sure my hand kept contact with hers, since I was still so incredibly nervous I would do something that made her uncomfortable, I began to slowly massage her. After a moment, however, I stopped, looking down at her. As if she knew I was asking permission, she kept her eyes closed and pressed my hand even harder against her. I began to massage her again, still very slowly, but deeply, kneading her, making her emit a soft moan of pleasure.

I allowed myself to look down at her, letting my eyes take in the parts of her I had never looked at before. Oh, how I wanted to rip her clothes off and thrust myself inside of her…No. Keep those thoughts away. Just focus on now. She moved her hand away, signaling to me that she trusted me, and I allowed myself the freedom to explore her. I had never enjoyed a woman in this way before. I ran my other hand over her still untouched breast and then, ever so cautiously, unsure of how she would react, slid it slowly down her stomach. Just before I got to her, I felt her tense up a bit and froze. Looking at what I was doing to her, I took my hands away, horrified at myself, and she let out an agitated sigh.

"You do not want me to be the one to do these things to you, Stevie Rae."

She sat up, her hips still between my legs, and turned her head to look at me. "How do you know?"

"Look at me!"

"I am." She paused. She didn't seem to be willing me to speak, so I did not. I would not have known what to say anyway. After what seemed like an eternity, she said, "You wanna know what I see? I see the guy I care so much about that I was willing to risk my life and my friends to save from dyin'. I still make that choice, every minute I spend with you. We have somethin', Rephaim. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but I do know that it's more special than whatever I have with anyone else. Bein' with Dallas was a mistake, but the whole time I was with him I was thinkin' 'bout how I'd rather be with you. I just didn't know how. But you know what?" She paused and waited a minute, as if trying to make a decision. Then she pulled her shirt over her head. My eyes immediately settled on her bare breasts, and as hard as I tried I could not take them away. She sat confidently, her eyes on me, and continued, "I don't care. I don't care that what we have shouldn't be possible. I don't care that nobody else would ever understand. I don't care that you don't look like what other people think of as normal. All I know is my body wants to experience things, and that I want to let myself explore those things with you."

I longed so much to reach out and touch her. Perfect. She was perfect. But I thought of all the women I harmed all those years ago and a fear burned through my body so completely that it overwhelmed every bit of desire I felt to be near her. I was completely paralyzed, frozen in terror.

So, reminding myself to always be honest, I said the only thing I could think of to say. "I am so afraid, Stevie Rae."

"I'm not." She moved into me, straddling my lap, wearing nothing but her panties as she let her breasts press into the feathers on my chest and she began to kiss my neck and my cheeks. Oh, how I longed to be able to kiss her back. The passion overwhelmed me so much that a sob erupted from my body, causing her to take my face in her hands and arch her back to look me in the eyes.

"Hey. It's ok."

"But I cannot…"

"I know." She smiled. "I don't care. I want you. Not anybody else. Just you." When I didn't move, she stroked my beak. "Please?"

I couldn't stop it now. The urges were too overwhelming. I slid my hands into her panties, over the curve of her butt, and down until I quivered in anticipation. My whole being was throbbing and I could take it no longer. I eased her onto her back, and she lifted her hips so I could pull her panties off. She was completely bare, but she did not try to hide herself from me. I pulled off my own pants, and saw her eyes drift down to steal a look at me. I noticed her eyes widen. In fear? Or just surprise? I could not tell, for it was only for an instant. If she was afraid, she would not let me see it. She draped her arms over my shoulders as I knelt, my knees just outside of her hip. I was not on top of her yet, because I knew that if I was in position for her to take me, I would hurt her. Instead, I knelt where I was and allowed my eyes to drift over only her face as I caressed her with my hands. I wanted to memorize every detail, so that even when we were apart, I would always know exactly what she felt like under my touch. Finding the courage to try again, I slid one hand down her stomach, and although she began breathing more deeply, this time she did not tense up. Still looking into her eyes, I stopped briefly before continuing downward, until I felt moisture. Again, I tried just to let myself explore, to learn everything about her I could, but I froze, nervous. She closed her eyes then, and smiled, still breathing deeply. I opened my beak to talk, but nothing came out. I had wanted to ask permission, but I had never asked before and did not know what to say. But this time I just didn't feel right taking everything I wanted without asking for it. She pushed her hips upward into my hand, as if able to read my mind. That was all it took.

I allowed myself to feel around, trying to memorize every bit of her. I found myself worrying, terrified that I would harm her when the time came, but she seemed so happy with the touch of my fingers that that fear subsided after only a few moments. I rubbed my cheek affectionately against hers, and I could no longer take the anticipation. I put my hands next to her on either side of her shoulders. Then, I slowly and cautiously moved first one knee, and then the other so that I was kneeling between her graciously spread thighs, still worried that I may not be able to control myself, but unable to wait any longer.

She placed her feet even further apart for me, and as a result of her openness, I allowed myself to sit up a bit to give my eyes room to wander. Despite her confidence, I had just felt wrong looking at her before, but I knew now that she would not be upset with me. It seemed weird to me that despite the knowledge of how much I wanted her, I did not feel I was looking at her like that. I just wanted to learn her. I wanted to know everything. All the things that made her happy, all the touches that made her feel how special she truly was, every little thing that went into the sheer perfection I saw before me. Even what might be considered a flaw seemed to be there for a reason, all adding up to one thing which was utter perfection. How someone like her wanted someone like me, I would never know. When time unfroze, I found that I felt somewhat sure of myself, and allowed myself to push slowly and gradually inside of her.

I erupted in pleasure. She did not seem to be in any pain, so I continued to ease myself inside. I was almost halfway in when she moaned, arching her back and breathing heavily.

"Are you ok?" I asked her, swallowing hard.

"Mm-hmm."

"You will tell me if you need to stop?" Oh, Goddess, was I afraid.

"Of course."

Honesty. "I have never felt such fear, Stevie Rae."

"Don't worry."

"You do not want me to stop?"

"No. I want more."

Exhaling loudly, I gradually allowed myself to ease all the way into her. Her breathing was hard and uneven, but she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me closer as though she felt that I would leave if she let me go. Feeling her give herself to me so completely, my fear subsided some, and before I realized what was happening the adrenaline of the moment took over my body as my mind exploded in a haze of lust and passion.

She whimpered in pain then, and it brought me back to reality. I pulled away from her in terror.

"No," she insisted, pulling me back to her. "Just slow down." When I hesitated, she added, "Please?"

I eased myself back into position, painstakingly slowly. She was amazing, and although I still felt the quiver of passion rippling through my body, I kept reminding myself to be slow. I could not hurt her.

I kept at her for several minutes, struggling to keep from erupting but wanting this to last as long as I could make it. Eventually, she pulled herself up closer to me, and soon we were both sitting, with her on my lap facing me, her legs wrapped around me. Soon enough, her lips met my neck.

"Can I?" she whispered, and I nodded, unable to speak, caught up in the passion of the moment. She sunk her teeth into my neck and very slowly began to draw blood, not enough to cause any harm, even over a long time, but enough that it caused so much pleasure to course through every molecule of my body that it was a wonder I did not explode.

She continued to savor my blood a drop at a time, while she burrowed herself deep into my lap. I held her tightly in my arms, more than happy to give over to her in the moment, because with her in charge I could not hurt her. I do not know that I could have been in control anyway; the passion I felt was too much for me even to move. She was good. Oh, Goddess was she good. When I could move again, I reclaimed control and eased her back to the floor.

Too soon, I was completely spent. I untangled my body from hers and lowered myself, still trembling, onto the ground next to her. With her eyes closed, she remained on her back for a moment, catching her breath. Seeing that her body was still quivering, I reached over and let myself caress her stomach. She moaned and arched into my hand, her smiling lips still red with my blood.

We stayed there for what seemed like forever before she managed to slow her breathing. Then she rolled over and pressed herself into me. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, but words did not exist that would do justice to what I felt for her. I remained silent. She did as well, and I wondered if she was thinking the same thing. I was sure she was, as there was no urge to try to speak. We just let the room stay silent and she burrowed herself into my chest and we lay there, overwhelmed by the experience we had just shared. Feeling I could not possibly hold her any tighter, I unfolded my wings and enveloped her in them, wanting to do everything I could to never let her go. I silently cursed Nyx for allowing the time to keep moving. I could stay here forever. When my wings closed around her small form, she sighed blissfully and I felt a tear escape her eye and soak into my feathers. My eyes had welled up too, just from the sheer passion of the moment. The emotion was so great that there was nothing left to do, no words to say.

I had never in my life felt such love. I had never done anything to deserve it. Without Stevie Rae, I would never have imagined it possible. But she was here, and I was here, and this amazing, impossible thing had actually happened. And I had never been happier. And it wasn't even about the physical act, it was just the closeness and the fact that she, in all her perfection, was so eagerly willing to give herself so completely to me. And now all I could do was hold her as close to me as I possibly could.

After an hour or so, the sun had almost set, and we knew it would soon be time for her to leave. Dallas would for sure have been spreading the news of me around the House of Night, and if she were gone too long it would cause trouble. I did not want her to leave, so I held onto her for as long as I could. But she knew what I knew, and too soon, she rose, silently, and got dressed. Still naked, I met her on her way to the door, catching her in a strong embrace. No longer afraid of what she might think of me, I held her to me, and I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that no matter what happened, she would always come back to me.

So I let her go.


End file.
